The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.”
From the police blotter, or, what a beat cop deals with every day:
• A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
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